Let’s talk about receiving criticism.
I recently gave a training to clinicians. The great majority of feedback was enthusiastically positive. But one or two evaluations? Not so much.
Similarly, though most of the reviews for my new book have been quite positive, one was a 1-star review.
In both cases, the reviewers simply wanted something different. Now, I know rationally I will never be able to please everyone. To be everything everyone wants all at once (wasn’t that an Oscar-winning movie?)
But rational and emotional don’t always align.
We’ve all gotten some version of a 1-star review. And I’m sure you’ve noticed that negative feedback not only hurts, it draws nearly all of your attention. Even if you receive a hundred 5-star reviews, your brain will over-focus on that single 1-star.
This is because when our brains perceive threat, they narrowly focus on the threat to the exclusion of other data. This is meant to protect us when we’re in actual physical danger, and in the case of a bad review, to protect us from failure, rejection, and humiliation.
And when it comes to anything we care deeply about, the stakes feel higher, so our brains are even more attuned to potential threat.
SO, the next time you get some version of a bad review, try this:
1. Notice your attention has narrowed to a perceived threat.
2. Broaden your field of vision to take in ALL the data (& if there are nuggets of helpful information in the constructive feedback, use those to improve!).
3. Recognize your self-critical story about the feedback is a sign that you care and is meant to protect you from failure, rejection, and humiliation.
4. Ask yourself, “if I listen to these thoughts, will they move me toward or away from the person I want to be and the life I want to live?”
5. Do what is values-aligned, which might mean thinking one way while choosing to act another.
So for me, I took some feedback from the workshop evaluations that will actually help improve my next workshop. Not so much for Kevin’s 1-star book review—that I let go (and I even linked to it above if you want to read it—I think you’ll get why I can let it go ). I reminded myself that the *great majority* of feedback has been effusively positive. I also remembered that *of course* these thoughts were going to show up because I care deeply about helping people by sharing psychological flexibility with my community and I want to do it well. And I kept right on training and sharing my book.
Where have you received a 1-star review—some form of critique or criticism—and how might you respond differently to keep you moving forward with what matters to you?
My feel-goodie of the month
The past month has been all-things-book-launch so there have been MANY feel good professional moments—talks, podcast interviews, my first byline in The Washington Post, and hordes of support from friends, family, colleagues, and YOU. But it’s also our second fall season in New England where we’ve been apple picking, leaf-peeping, and getting ready for Halloween. Here are two photos of me watching Ghostbusters and making homemade applesauce with my sweet and silly 9yo son. |