Lately, I’ve been feeling like a failure. My book sales for Imposter No More have been—what’s a stronger word than disappointing? Demoralizing. And the clinic I founded 16 years ago, which grew through two recessions, has seen a worrisome slowing in business. I’m an ambitious person with a decent track record—when I set a goal, I work hard to achieve it, and I usually get there (or at least close enough to feel good about it). So this has been HARD. My mind tells me at this stage of my career I should have it all figured out.
I’ve been practicing willingness—opening up to my feelings and allowing them to just be.
I’ve been practicing defusion—observing my inner critic, acknowledging she is trying to protect me from humiliation and rejection, and not letting her be in command of my choices.
I’ve been practicing self-compassion—being aware of my pain, knowing I’m not alone, and being kind to myself.
I’ve been doing my best to let my values be my guide. To persevere with curiosity, connection, and courage.
But cultivating psychological flexibility isn’t always easy, especially in the areas we care about most.
What I have found to be the single most useful thing to rely on when I struggle to be psychologically flexible is community. I have reached out to fellow writers and private practice colleagues in an effort to better understand what is going on. They have offered emotional support, shared similar experiences that help me feel less alone, and made helpful suggestions for how to keep moving forward.
And I’m sharing it with you, my “tips community.”
Importantly, leaning on your community often requires vulnerability. It is far from comfortable for me to share this with you and others. AND what connects us is not our success or the things we do really well or our highlight reels—it is our humanness and to be human is to know pain.
SO, if you are struggling in areas you care about too, try this:
- Open to and allow your feelings—as Steve Hayes says, “we hurt where we care.”
- Observe your thoughts and know they are trying to help you (even if they suck at it).
- Let your values (who and how you want to be in the world) guide your choices—not your painful thoughts and feelings.
- Practice self-compassion-notice your pain, know you’re not alone, and be kind to yourself.
- REACH OUT. Connect with a few people you trust and share what’s going on—even if it’s uncomfortable. You will likely learn you are normal and not alone and you may even get some helpful suggestions too!
Where have you felt like a failure or struggled in other ways and how might you use community to help? |