Today is a big day. But let me back up. When I was a graduate student therapist, asking clients to face their biggest fears, I was harboring a secret. I was terrified of Ferris wheels and had been avoiding them since I was four years old. I didn’t want to be that therapist—the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ type. So I grabbed a close friend and headed to Six Flags. Now I have a print of a Ferris wheel hanging on my wall to remind me of the day I overcame that fear.
Despite this lesson, I’ve been harboring another secret for the past three years. With the Ferris wheel, I was afraid of flying off the thing and dying. Irrational, I know, but such is the nature of fear sometimes. With this secret, I’ve been terrified of being socially attacked. That acquaintances and enemies and strangers would judge and reject me for a decision I made (*my close friends and family know the secret). But then I remembered the Ferris wheel and why it mattered to face that fear.
My entire professional mission is to teach others, through speaking, writing, podcasting, therapy, and coaching to face their fears. To do the things that matter in the presence of pain. And yet here I’ve been, hiding.
So I decided it’s time to own my decision. Because the thing is, I care deeply about being open and authentic. And I’m not the least bit ashamed about my decision. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and I’m proud of the way I’m living my new life. I’ve even decided to combine my professional expertise in ACT with my personal experience to help others like me and it has been so rewarding and meaningful.
So why is today a big day and what’s the big secret? It is the 3-year anniversary of the day I had gastric bypass surgery. I’m noticing a tug to justify my decision, to try to manage any possible reactions you may be having. But I’m going to resist that tug—it would just be avoidance, after all.
And most importantly, I want to encourage you. What secrets have you been keeping out of fear, and at what cost? In what ways might this hiding be inconsistent with your values? Is there something you want to own but keep tucked inside so no one will judge you?
Of course there’s nothing wrong with being private and I’m not suggesting you share every detail of yourself with the world. But if there is something you’re being humble about that you’re secretly yearning to share, or there’s something you’re proud of that you think others will judge, or there’s some other way you just really want to be you that you’re holding back, I want to invite you to take a leap with me—to be psychologically flexible—and let’s see how it goes.
There’s nothing harder than being vulnerable. But, just like with the Ferris wheel, and the many other things we bravely face, I’m guessing we’ll learn that our deepest fears will not come true, or even if they do, they won’t be as bad as our brains believe and we will be able to handle them.
*for those who are new to my monthly tips newsletter, welcome! You can visit the archive here to learn more about the terms I used in this email like values, avoidance, ACT, and psychological flexibility, as well as check out other science-backed tips I’ve shared to help people thrive. |